"So I was finishing a home bathroom project. Making my floor out of pennies. It took a month but near the end my relationship hit a wall. Out of nowhere… This is a pic of a grocery bag in a bathroom trashcan on my finished product. I kinda blame the pennies…."
Los Angeles, CA (March 2012)
We were friends for about a year before we had ever decided to date each other. She met me at a time in my life where I had just lost my cat of 21 years, my roommate at the time just bailed on me right before christmas and I had to find a replacement roommate, the girl I was currently dating whom is 7 years older than me, broke up with me via text message, a first for me and I had lent money to my former roommate for food, rent, and security deposit all of which she couldn’t pay me, because she had no job and horrible credit. A month later, I would get a call about my uncle passing away, and at the funeral, my older brother and sister, ended up fighting with each other that they don’t speak to one another anymore, and my father had a heart attack at the funeral and most of us except my brother (he was a paul bearer) were at the hospital with my father, and didn’t go to the funeral.
Time passed. in and out of employment, going on mediocre dates, and just going through the motions.
I was not interested in her as a girlfriend, as a friend yes, but she was too young, and lived too far away. We had met, and she wanted more from me than I wanted to give at the time, so I held off and told her no, that if we see each other again, and I had a condom, then yes, I’d like to go there with her.
The more I saw her and talked to her, the longer we dated, the more I grew to love her. I had no hang ups about previous relationships, I had given her my all, without over compromising myself and my welfare and I thought when we had issues we could over come them by discussing what was it that we had issues with.
She broke up with me on March 8th, the same day I get a call from my little sister telling me my cousin was killed in a car crash earlier that morning. Having been unemployed for three months, and finding out all about this on that day, really hit hard. A year previous on the same day, a guy i worked with ended up hanging himself in his west hollywood apartment. I was the last person he said good night to, he was going through a rough divorce and missed his daughter and wife. A year ago on the same day.
My cousin’s birthday is on valentines day, and her birthday is the day before. At the funeral I felt like I was saying goodbye to two people. Two people I cared deeply but differently about.
She started dating/ fucking other people that same day, she ended up telling me these things a few weeks later. Yes we still talk, its hard not to talk to her, because we’re friends, she was my best friend. The foundation of my love for her is for her to be happy, even if its not with me. She’s told me she’s confused, and I had told her to come get her things all the things she’s given me, and if she wanted to restart again with me, that she could give me those things back, but I didnt’ have it in my heart to get rid of them.
She didn’t hug me good bye, she came with a really weird friend of hers for support, which I totally understand. When she did leave, she shook my hand awkwardly good bye. she shook my hand.
She makes a lot of excuses that it was my fault that she broke up with me, and that the things she now knows and desires wouldn’t have happened if she knew that I was absolutely into her and that we were going to get married and have kids. I had told her that those things take time and I didn’t want to scare her away with talking about such things. The family and friends whom I had introduced her to and I had talked to about her about this relationship ending all have mentioned that I don’t deserve someone like her, that she’s losing a good man, and that I’m one of the most considerate people that they know.
My heart feels weird, I know I need to make more friends, I know I have to start dating again, I’m just scared of meeting someone I do like, and they end up not being into me because they’re into women as well.
I really want to end up being in love with my best friend. That would be ideal. As for March 8th. (and pretty much valentines day) will never been the same for me ever again.
Chicago, Illinois (november 9, 2011)
“Today was the worst day of my life. Nov. 9th, 2011. I’m in Chicago on bizness and it happens to be my daughters birthday. It just so happens to be mine as well. Sailor Ann turned 4 today and I…I don’t know how she can do it. She is such a happy little girl. I was one big bag of emotions being 600+ miles away from her. So I decided to go to Navy Pier to take my photo. I took a piece of hotel notepad paper and tore the shape of a heart and wrote ” Sailor Ann - 11-9-07″. I know I’ll see her soon, but sure did miss her UNFATHOMABLY!!!”
Los Angeles, CA (December 2010)
“My cat of 13 years, Ruby, died suddenly before my eyes right in this spot 2 nights ago. It broke my heart (again).”
Montreal, Quebec, Canada (2010)
“From January to July 2010, Montreal (Quebec, Canada) up, on and before the stairs to home. It takes time to end what is already dead, and no one want to see.”
Ithaca, NY (Fall/Winter 2009)
Lititz, PA (2009)
W.A.L.F. Radio Station, Alfred, NY (1996)
"You probably can't see that there are two hearts very well, but it happened twice in the same spot. First, my boyfriend broke up with my when he was doing his radio show. The second, smaller one is when I broke my own heart, just a little. I was doing a show with my roommate and a guy we knew that I liked, but then while we were doing the show one night I found out he had a boyfriend. Not his fault, but it did hurt. "
Rochester, NY (2010)
“Are you the person for me? I don’t know. I’m probably not the person for you…”
Youngstown, NY (2010)
text reads: “I’m not mad at you and its not even about yesterdays arguement. Its never going to change and there’s nothing we can do about it. Its not anyones fault, its just the way we are ”
Devoe street @ Union, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY
“the landscape has changed a bit, that new siding on that building was not there, i remember it being pretty grubby and the cement all falling apart, and there was no fence - but that is the loading dock thingy that i sat on and cried my eyes out because my heartbreaker told me i wasn't the one he wanted. a nice girl even stopped to ask if my sobby sorry self was okay. i don't know who she was but she was sweet.”
Prospect Park, Crown Heights, Brooklyn, NY (February 27, 2007)
"I remember crying and saying 'no' over and over. He said he had to go, and I asked to walk with him. We walked a few miles to Prospect Park, where we decided to say goodbye. I asked to kiss him (even though I hate when people do that). We kissed each other goodbye--then he walked away, and I went sobbing home without him."
Providence, RI (2008)
"for two years, i lived alone in this little apartment. i loved living alone; i loved this little apartment. we were only together a short while; i still don't truly understand why he left, but he did, and living alone felt more alone than it ever had."